Jeremy Brett - The ONLY Sherlock Holmes

(Holmes looking perturbed) 

Picture appreciation post for Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes; a character he came to loathe.

You, Jeremy, were a wonderful human being outside of Holmes and other characters you played and the world misses your unique and eccentric personality, Thank you for existing and being an inspiration to all of your fans!  

Linguistic research...

I think there could be more expressions that can be added but I have to find more. The one I want really badly is a Scottish one, ya'know for research purposes... yeah...

~The one and only 21st century Doctor~

~The one and Only Sherlock Holmes and Dracula~ 

I Fucking Love these two and will till the end of my days!

I have an issue with a character in a TV series... Oh wait, this is a blog about my favorite series and actor(s) so I will post my opinion whether anyone likes it or not... 

I have never liked Clara Oswald ... ever. Many people have tried to convince me to love/like her. Many people have tried to say that she is a strong feminine lead character. Sure I guess if you like brats or  ego-maniac control freaks who cannot handle change and wish to ruin everything for everyone else by throwing a fit when things don’t work or go their way so they stomp their feet and demand things to resume to their comfort level or they “slap”their "friend" across their face and believes they are owed something better? Damn, sounds like a spoilt brat to me or a toddler throwing a temper tantrum on a large scale. 

I get it, she was upset that Danny died (didn't like him either) but the Doctor didn't owe her anything. Her guilt was immense because all she did was lie, lie, and lie some more - to Danny, To the Doctor, and worst of all - to herself. I have a huge problem with LAIRS always have. I have a problem with people who want to control everything and not see what their actions do to others. That really is Clara who needs to be the one in control. I do not think that this a strong female character to look up to, I think Clara should be an example as to not what to be/act like. If we were to put Clara to the Power and Control Wheel for abusive relationships... You would see that Danny would have been in an abused Boy-Friend in an unhealthy relationship and the relationship with Clara and the Doctor is an unhealthy co-dependent one; however I think the Doctor is just waiting to see what Clara's end is - meaning he is waiting patiently until her end - that is just the way he rolls because of severe curiosity. Now, I understand that we could say the same for the Doctor, however there is one little problem with that... HE IS AN ALIEN who can establish good healthy relationships - Rose/9-10 - Donna/10 - Sarah Jane/3-4 (those are my top favorites) and he is too erratic to fit the control wheel mostly because he has empathy rather than sympathy and is more a teacher than a lover. Clara really has little empathy but can be sympathetic. I think that Clara is the representation of the human race, not really a good one, she isn't that violent but she doesn't feel enough to be a good interpretation of what humans are like. They mean well but we need instant gratification and we are owed if things don't go our way. Oh, yeah she has changed a little this season, but I think that the Doctor is not giving her what she asks for as much and that he is reacting to her differently... FINALLY! I guess this was some sort of rant but hey, it's my blog right?

Oh.. to all you shippers out there with the 12/Clara friggin love affair, there is no problem with you writing such things but no, it is NOT CANNON - enough is enough with telling people that who disagree with you are ass holes and unimaginative or useless because they don't follow your opinion, you really are no better than the American Right-Wing Christians who condemn science and all things that make sense to the real world that you say needs to happen like; free or low college tuition, free healthcare, Democratic Socialists like Bernie Sanders - seriously, I think you all should really practice what you preach before you condemn other people. 

No I am not whining, but I feel like I am...

I am sitting here wondering what the fuck am I supposed to do next. I have plans... big fucking plans but I seem so stuck. I thought that what I was doing was going to assist me to reach higher in life, alas.. no. A big fucking ZED. DO NOT think I am talking about my job, hell no! I love my job as a mother and as a Crisis Advocate. I am so excited every morning to get up and go do something I love and see my beautiful children everyday. It's not that, I'm happy there.

It is where I am mentally and emotionally. What I do not have that I should have had years ago. Yeah, this may sound like a pity letter to me and the world; but it isn't.

I am still trying to survive. I am still trying to grow as a person from my past. As a domestic violence survivor I still find it difficult to reach out to people. I still find it difficult to form healthy relationships and maintain them. Hell, I just found out through neurological testing that I needed that my IQ is way above standard; however, because of all the trauma and hyper-stress I lived with for decades, the wiring in my brain is still in survivor mode. I need to reprogram my brain and I will tell you, it hurts.

Your head starts to get foggy as you try to think outside of the box per say. You constantly try to tell yourself that everyone is not against you. You keep thinking that you cannot make mistakes and you have to be perfect or you will get "punished" if you do not follow the parameters set by the abuser of the house. Then you have to remind yourself that... THEY ARE NO LONGER FUCKEN THERE!!! to torture you and the kids. Then the guilt sets in. You self-sabotage and then, you and the kids get neglected. Appointments suffer because your abuser didn't want the kids talking about life at home, so now you are in a rut. The rut is that you don't want your kids reliving that trauma if the Doc asks questions. Months go by, missed appointments. Keeping only the Mental health ones even-though the physical health ones are just as important. You do not keep them. You don't because you are too embarrassed to tell the Doc that you don't have a licence and a  car because your abuser prevented you from learning how to drive. Oh, did I forget to mention they also kept money from you too? They kept you poor and fighting to keep the lights on or food in the fridge because their things were more important than the kids and you? Clothing? What was that? You and the Kids don't need more than one pair of shoes or new clothes. And the US thinks Saudi Arabia is so misogynistic. Try looking in your own back yard USA.

I am still paying their debts.

There is a good side. I have been single for a year. My kids are alive. I am alive. I graduated College Cum Lade, although late in life, I still did it despite the fighting, yelling, screaming, protecting my kiddos, and my sanity. I have an awesome job with equally awesome people I work with. I am working on getting my License and a vehicle to drive so I can have full-time employment plus getting my Master's Degree.

See, big plans... Big plans to me, may-be small stepping stones for those who do not understand the mind of the Traumatized. In retrospect, my trauma dates back much much further than my marriage, the relationship after the marriage, and the very short one after that. I do not know what I am supposed to do next other than push through my obstacles. I am terrified. I look in the mirror and I cannot believe what I see. I should look old. I should look haggard. I should look drained. But I don't. I do not look my age. Inside, I feel younger than I should. Why? Well, I feel younger because I was never given the skills to be an adult, I was only given tools to survive. I am still a child, not a healthy child. I joke that I am an awkward teenage gay boy stuck in a woman's body. If that offends you, I really am sorry, however, here is my explanation.

As we all know adolescent boys are trying to find their way in the world of maleness. This means that they are surging with testosterone during puberty so naturally, bigger boys pick on smaller ones for dominance...today we call that bullying. What happens if that smaller boy is very different than the other boys? What if the smaller boy has a crush on that bigger boy? OR what if that bigger boy really has a crush on his best friend who happens to be another bigger boy? See where I am going? I'm that scared little boy who has a problem reaching out to people for friendship because I'm not like the others. Now I have this knowledge that I prefer boys than girls, it terrifies me because I see other boys get picked on and hurt for the same reason. To put salt in the wound, I also love geeky things. I don't like sports, I would rather read, I would rather watch Doctor Who, I would rather go to Comic Cons and dress up. I am socially awkward because I don't fit in... well, most kids don't but here I am, secretly gay and love geeky things. Now add an abusive childhood to that poor boy. All of it. You name it, it probably happened.

That is me, that poor, scared little boy who just wants to be nurtured and loved in a good healthy way.

I love men, I relate to men better than women, and I know that there are great men out there but I am not (my belief and it is because of my childhood and my adult life) fitted for them. I do not have the tools for a beautiful healthy relationship with a beautiful healthy man. I have been asked as to why I do not just give up and date women. Well, this is what I say.

"The right one hasn't come around and really folks, I love me the penis and the beautiful male body, and I have my own boobs and vagina to play with. This is not to say I have not contemplated looking for a woman, I have. I would have to find a woman who is very masculine in body shape and personality. Too complicated and potentially hurtful."

I have resigned to staying single. It is safer that way. I still need to work on rewiring my head before I even go back on the dating scene, If I ever Chose too. I need to better myself and learn to love myself before I can be healthy and good with someone else whether they are male, female, or transgender because feelings are real. They do not need my baggage from my past. They need me to be just as nourishing for them as I need them for me.

This post turned into something I was not expecting, but I hope you all understand that these rambling words are from a traumatized mind that just wants to be fixed and wants the best life for my kids and It seems that it isn't happening.

"Fan" is short for "Fanatic"

Top clockwise: Rufus Sewell, Peter Capldi, Jeremy Brett, "Ray" Fiennes, and Richard Roxburgh.  (googleimages.com)

I have always wondered what goes through the "fan" mind. I am not exempt from being a fan or being blissfully apart of a fandom. Sometimes in the back of my mind I am thinking that I am turning into one of those crazed fans. You know, the ones who are addicted to every piece of information that becomes available, the "I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING" types. For example, how many sugars they take in their coffee, kids, siblings, blood type matches to give blood transfusions for their actor; you know for that off chance that there is a horrible accident or (great mother forgive me) the big "C". What gets me are the ones who know all the names of the past/present/possible future relationships the actor was/is or will be involved in. That is scarry to me. How do they know? Who do they talk too? Then there are the ones who sell their first born and their siblings just to go out of their way to travel to wherever filming happens to be located of their favorite show/actor(s) then pester them for autographs and pictures.


Don't worry, I won't sell my kids, I love them more than anything in the world. I hate needles, so there goes the blood transfusion, and I hate it when people are up in my business so why the hell would I want to bother other people?! However, I find myself mesmerized by particular individuals in the celebrity world and I could not understand as to why. Well, I still do not fully understand as to why eventhough I have a BA in Psychology (masters on the way... possibility this will be my thesis). Is it that we need to connect with the characters that they play? Well if that was the only case then we would stop the obsession at the character, but we do not. We as fans focus on the possibility that the actor/actress will emulate any character they portray or that the way they handle interviews means that their true pesonality is showing. No. No, actors are the best liers in the world. Meaning, when they go infront of a camera, they are playing up to their audiance, pulling a T S Elliot; never show your true self in your work. Yet, we continue slobbering or obsessing over the actor/actress and follow their career on to the next set of movies/TV/plays. Moreover, even if the writing and directing is terrible, we the fanatics, praise the tallented actor for making the movie better than it would have been without them in it. I will ponder more on this later because I am concidering more serrious issues about fandom; the actors themselves.

I wonder; what do actors really think of when their faces are plastered and worshiped by their fans? Some actors seem to enjoy the attention, some like Harrison Ford, wishes to be left alone. Others demand privacy,  yet throw themselves into the thick of the throngs of people begging to touch them. Lady GaGa is famous for that because she truly loves her fans because she recognizes that without them, she would not be famous. There are so many theories on the fans themselves but litle in the way on what the affect fandom has on the famous. How about those scary ones who stalk their obsession? Recently, Sandra Bullock had a problem where someone broke into her home to remove articles, artifacts or whatnot. Thankfully, she was not home. However, this is not always the case. While I was growing up, there was a famous woman who was stalked and slashed 17 times, she survived. Then there is Stephen King's Misery, even though this is about an author you get the jist because we do not need to go into a book review but, when you have a fan so bent on a story and you did not write it the way they wanted; becareful, they may keep you hostage and break your legs and "care" for you while you write another story or change the plot line.

As you gaze on this, you see the various gentlemen above to which some you may know and may be not so much others. I apparently have an affinity to British and Australian actors. One of them I have followed his career, especially when the internet made it possible to do so and there is no doctoring that fact up, another flitted in and out of my life until he ate a dragon and lost his nose, yet another made the most famous mystery solver heart pounding. Finally, the last two almost have nothing to do with American TV or Hollywood. Unless there are impossible missions to accomplish or vanquishing pesky vampire hunters and the other has shrews to tame while wearing fishnets. As you can tell, I made references to movies and their actors, if you can guess make a comment; if not, enjoy googling. I "love" each one of them, maybe one more than the others (A LOT MORE) and there are some that I have not pictured.

I wrote the word love in quotations because I really do not love them in the sense as a relationship. Although, I do realize that there are those fans who would dissagree. In fact, we have seen many fans burst out in tears/faint/vomit because they are within 20ft of the object of thier desire. I have to validate their feelings because it is possible that the actor/actress is the only positive image in their lives. Doctor Who, (yeah I know what you are saying, roll your eyes) since 1963 has been a positive fun spot in millions of fans, long and short term, because he really is an anti hero, but a hero nonetheless. The good Doctor has a message of hope, friendship, and adventure. Some of those subjects are the only good thing to look forward too at the end of the week. Yet, I know I cannot "love" them like I wish I could.

Some of them have or had wives or lovers who stay with them for reasons that is entirely foreign to me. I can say that he has a lovely smile or I enjoy the way he looks, in fact sometimes it is down right sexy the way that one raises an eyebrow. However, I do not know any-single-one of them personally. So how can anyone love someone from afar without ever knowing that person intimately? I want to answer this question, I want to understand this, although if I find out I probably will deni it and go for what is comfortable: jammies, healthy snack, and my favorite actor.

Crags

Crags, we all have them
      Especially when we get older
In the face, around the eyes and mouth
Symbols of life and maturity
Compaired to Crags of granite
      With trees and moss blanketing them

There are special people who remind me of the crags
Salty-peppery hair, thick-soft, curly-messy, wild
      Wild winds that shape the trees growing on the crags
Voices thick, grugh, rolling with the hills
      Hills and valleys, long in history, secrets

Souls sweet as the moss smells in the late autumn sun
       Blue-green Eyes betray fertile intellegence,
       Behind that impish gleam
Intelligence flows with the rainwater off the shelves of granite
        Waterfalls sheild secrets of the crag, creating mist
        Misty fog shades paths making images there or not
Choices, past, future, now
        The fog of the land wont give up her secrets
Neither will the mature folk, but hear them
        Advice is not given lightly or easily
        Yet, Taken and disregarded by inexperiance

Vanity of youth ignores experiance, beauty, true beauty
        Beauty of experiance, life, age
There are no crags in youth, fields,  meadows,  or moors
       Just gentle slopes, virgin, boring, flat
Crags huge, jetties and cliffs, valleys uneven
Adventurous, facinating, intimidating, intriguing,  wild
       More interesting
                       Crags

What is wrong with being different?

I was just informed that my opinion on the Sam kiss "could" prevent me from being gainfully employed. Why? This is against the law right? My own opinions and what happens off hours out of the public eye should not be scrutinized, I know plenty of therapists and counselors who are very accepting of others and sexual preferences. Why should I be different? Well people, this does not just happen to me apparently. How unfortunate that a potential boss will look me up on the internet, see my mangy blog and the "controversial" comments and opinions and say to me (no matter how qualified I am) "I'm sorry Ms. Reynolds, but I do not see that we are a good fit." However, the potential employer is unaware that I have the LEGAL right to ask as to WHY I am not a good fit.

They could say I am a rabble rouser or my ideologies don't coincide with theirs. I could agree with the former but not the latter because as a society, we need to progress from where we are today. I am tired of living in a culture that shuns people who are different from them. I am different. I dont want to be like everyone else, there is a point where I must conform but why do I have to conform to a body type, personality type, a particular look.... I am even an outsider among friends.

Believe me,it is the most painful thing to be isolated, I love people, I want to be around people, work for them, play among them. I act like a little kid, awkward and unsure of what to do because I have been isolated most of my life. I dont give up, but I get scared of the word NO, rejection is conditioned in me because of the isolation, and I don't ask people for things except to be included... that is my weirdness. That is the true thing that makes me different- awkward, socially inexperienced, at the age of 41.

All I ask is to accept those who are different, if not me then someone else. Bye for now, Blessed be.

Dear Doctor, I wish I could have an atom of your courage... 

The Sam Kiss

I have this blog set up just incase I might swear or talk about sex. Why you ask? Well thats life- sex, swearing, and bodily functions are normal parts of life. Even some of my opinions could offend people like my full exceptance of homosexuality. I love the Sam kiss seen around the world not because they are gay, because they love each other.  They were happy and showed their affection for one another. I'm fucken pissed that this tallented American football player was drafted almost last. Why? Well, I think it's because of the "weird kid onthe playground" because they are different or awkward, they get chosen last and the team isn't proud of the pick. I hope that Sam plays, in fact I may actually watch football this year just to see if he plays and not sit on the bench.

Well, now Im done with that little bit. Later, blessed be.