I am sitting here in my room, listening to Scottish Rock bands from the 80-90's, wondering what my next move in life is... I should have a plan right? Of course I do, it is all laid out right now! But seriously, I don't and this is why. I do not have a car. I do not have a license. I cannot get any where for employment in my area without a vehicle and insurance. I currently have a BA in Forensic Psychology too, graduated with Cum Laude and I have an invitation to join PsyChi. AWESOME right! YES it is!
Yet I still sit here sad. Feeling unaccomplished for my self and the kiddos. I feel like that I am "self sabotaging" because I do not have the means to get what I need to. I really don't want to fall down a deep spiral of regret or guilt.That would go against my Stoic ways. I am in no way going to give in to despair but what the hell or how the hell am i going to get the $$ for drivers ed? Have no clue. I don't need someone to drive me around to keep me under their thumb or know where and what I am doing... had that thrice over do not need that to happen ever again.
I hate talking about myself. I hate reading that I have real issues and that people would judge me. Yes, I am fully aware that there are settings on this "free" blogging thing. But I do not have the patience to fix them right now. I usually keep things to myself because I never believed that people would care about what I say. That was my life, everyday... no one cared what I thought, felt, dreamed, or whether I even existed beyond making dinner or sex.
I do not include my children in this, I include the choices that I made believing that the next one would be better than the last. So stereotypical! Classic even! Starts off awesome, then months to years down the relationship river, when you least expect it, you are getting belittled for everything you do. Here is where I stop because this is the private thing, you can use your imagination as to what happened at least in one relationship. I need to remind you all who might read this... or not... Just because a survivor of abuse has "bad" relationships, this does not mean it is their fault for what happened, in fact the opposite is true in most cases.
Hey, here is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: GUYS, GALS, the LBGTQ you GIVEN IN to VICTIM BLAMING when you say to a PERSON, "look at all the bad relationships you had, I don't think it would work between us".... It is not the PERSON'S fault. Yes, they made choices but they didn't know the choices were "bad" until it was too late, after they are being victimized. It does not matter if the abuse is violent, emotional abuse is worse, and most cannot heal from it. So just letting you "guys" know, telling the PERSON you are interested in that it "won't work" because of the "bad relationships"... that is re-victimizing the survivor of abuse. I care about you people, I just want you to know that those survivors need to build trust again and need a little more TLC than the average person.
Well that is it for now I guess... night folks, Blessed Be.
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